Most parents want the best for their children. Yes, there are some irresponsible ones, but the majority at least have good intentions. However, good intentions alone do not translate to good parenting; these are two different things.

Before you jump on me, what qualifications do I have to discuss this topic? I have survived my own struggles for freedom with my parents and witnessed my spouse go through his. As parents, my husband and I have battled our inner demons to step back and let our son breathe.

In addition, I am a spiritual life coach. My job requires me to study, observe, and understand how the human mind works, which is what parenting is all about. So, I do know what I’m talking about.

A Leaf From My Life

My husband and I noticed a pattern of errors made by Asian (Indian and Chinese) parents. In their attachment, they overprotect their children through 12th grade. And then, they let the children go to college unprepared to handle independence. To their dismay, they often see their youth becoming lazy, reckless, disoriented, and sometimes even diseased.

So, when my son became a preteen, my husband and I slowly began to back off and let him handle his own life. As expected, many things happened. His study habits declined, and he abandoned many good habits we had instilled in him.

With time, the consequences started kicking in. His scores dropped, and he seemed less vibrant. It was tough for us as parents to let go. Still, my husband and I kept reminding each other that this was necessary.

Experience, The Best Teacher

Soon, my son’s friends noticed and commented on the negative changes. Besides, he himself woke up to what was happening. This brought a turning point, and my son disciplined his own life.

Without our prompting, he returned to his good habits, improved his study efforts, and even picked up a musical instrument he had once rejected. Through experience, he learned why we had insisted on a particular lifestyle.

Today, he has become so self-driven that I find inspiration in him. As a parent, I am relieved he has learned a long-lasting lesson in the art of self-management.

As the wise say, no one can teach anyone the reality of life as much as experience can.

The Power of Failing

As a spiritual guru, I try to use the same approach with my initiates. Nevertheless, I don’t have the same freedom I had with my son. And the parents I deal with often undermine all my efforts because they refuse to let their kids fail or make their own decisions. (Some of these “kids” are well past their early adulthood.)

Ironically, by overprotecting, sheltering, and influencing the youth so much, it is the parents who are setting them up for failure in the long run.

From experience, I believe children should be pushed to taste success by age 10–12. After that, they must be left to fail a little so that they can understand the consequences of their actions.

Let the youth make mistakes while their parents are still around to guide them. It’s far better than making blunders out of our sight, which can sometimes have dire consequences.

Conclusion

If you don’t let your children learn to make decisions by failing, they will never mature emotionally or spiritually. They will become “child-adults” who can be easily manipulated or taken for a ride. Even worse, they may become insecure, jealous, and manipulative themselves.

The key to good parenting is controlled freedom. Hold the reins tightly when necessary, then loosen them. Keep doing this until the reins are no longer needed. This will equip them with the resilience and wisdom needed for life.

Above all, if you are a parent, work on your own spiritual growth to keep attachment away. Quoting the poet Kahlil Gibran:

Your children are not your children. 
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

Conclusively, by no means do I claim that I’m a perfect parent. I am sure my son can give you a list of my shortcomings and errors. Having said that, I’m definitely a peaceful parent who knows she has trained her child to rise from the ashes if (god forbid) he ever gets there.

Om Tat Sat.

Love,
Sri Devi Om